redgreenfandomcom-20200215-history
Exotic Dancer/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now it's time again for the show that asks the question, "there must be more than one way to skin a cat, but they're all against his will." for those of you who have seen the show before, let's just say, forgive and forget, okay? It's "the red green show," starring that oscar-winning rabbit, your friend and my uncle -- and believe me, there's a big difference -- mr. Red green! Thank you very much. Welcome to the show. Thank you, harold, for that warm and heartfelt introduction. Love ya, babe! Let's do lunch. Wa-a-a. No, let's do show, harold. All right. Had a bit of a to-do up at the lodge this week. Uh, moose thompson has been looking for work ever since the paint factory blew up, even though he did apologize... And he sees an ad in the newspaper for a male dancer. Now, moose is not much of a dancer, but he more than makes up for it in the male department. Excuse me, uncle red. Oh, I forgot about you. Uh, this here is my producer and my director and, by a cruel stroke of fate, uh, my nephew. Every time I start a story and he thinks it's boring, he just gets out of it by flipping some things on his flimflammer there. It's a switcher control box. It allows me to go from one segment of the show into the next, you know? In case I find it, uh, boring or offensive or something like that. Also allows me to do this. [ keyboard clacking ] pretty neat thing, huh? Well, I want to just continue my story on the male-dancer thing. Oh. Nothing -- nothing offensive -- to be ashamed about naked bodies or anything, that's for sure. Oh, no, no, not at all. I got nothing against naked bodies, unless, of course, it's like during dinner. I mean, jeepers creepers, a naked body's okay. I'm as liberal as the next guy. You know, well, unless, of course, you're the next guy. Then I'm way more liberal. I enjoy a naked man as much as the next person. No! I didn't mean that! I didn't -- aah! That was so wrong! Uh... [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ there once was a story ♪ ♪ a long time ago ♪ ♪ a legend that only the possums know ♪ ♪ possums are smart and fun to throw ♪ ♪ as long as you yell, "look out below!" ♪ ♪ with a whiff-enall ♪ ♪ whiff that all ♪ ♪ whiff it all ♪ ♪ wombat ♪ ♪ wombat ♪ ♪ whiff it all, whiffin' ♪ ♪ did you catch a whiff of that? ♪ [ laughs ] both: ♪ with a whiff it all, whiff it all ♪ ♪ whiff it all ♪ ♪ wom-- ♪ wombat. No, you don't say "wombat" that time. Oh. This week on "handyman corner," we're gonna show you how to take something and improve on it. Uh, what we're gonna do is gonna show you how to make a portable phone for under $40. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? Here's what you're gonna need -- uh, a wall-mounted phone, uh, an old backpack... A, uh, garden-hose spool... And, uh, a bunch of telephone cable. Now, if you want to go get that stuff, I'll just wait. All right, now, uh, the first step is to, uh, remove the canvas, um, from the backpack. [ chain saw buzzing ] and be careful how you do this. You can end up with enough canvas to make yourself a dandy little sun hat. [ buzzing continues ] all right, as you can see, I'm, uh, just putting the finishing touches on attaching the garden-hose reel to the backpack using the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. Now what we do is take our telephone wire and begin winding it onto the hose reel. Now, the amount of wire you put on here will be determined by how portable you want the phone to be. If it's just for around the house, uh, 50 feet would probably do -- 20 feet if you live in a new subdivision. Or if you want the run of the whole neighborhood, uh, I'd suggest you put on a couple of hundred feet. As you can see, I'm just finishing attaching the phone to my body with the, uh, duct tape, and, uh, we're done. No more running to the phone, because with this rig on, believe me, you don't want to be running. [ telephone rings ] I'll get it. Uh, hello. Could you just hang on a minute, please? Yeah. This sounds like an important call, so until next time, remember -- if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, that was me. I ordered the eight-slicer with double pepperoni. Yeah. I'm on my way over to get it right now. How's my voice sound? I made this phone. Yep, made it myself. I'm not kidding. [ wire creaking ] [ crashing ] hello, uh, 911? Could you -- could you send an ambulance? Just follow the wire. We'll be right back with more wildlife adventures amongst the furry beasts of the woods. I think he's back to the story about moose thompson being a nude dancer. I was going through the scrapbook last night, and I found some pictures of some old celebrities -- you know, guys that I had known and worked with. Oh, they'd have to be old. Well, they were not old in the sense of "old," but just... I mean, they've been celebrities a long time. Right, exactly. Slim whitman. King. What can you say? Awoo! I say that 'cause he does that when he sings. He yodels. Oh, and you should see the acrobatics he does with his guitar and everything. He gets the hole right in the center and just -- it's unbelievable. Getting between the strings is the tough part. Well, it's not easy. No, no. That's why they call him "slim." that's right. And guy mitchell -- er, guy madison. Oh. You know, guy mitchell -- no, guy madison and wild bill hickok. Yeah. Remember him? Well, I knew the stories. You knew him -- wild bill hickok? Well, yeah. Well, no, I knew guy madison. Who played wild bill. He had his guns backwards. He'd say, "shoot straight and keep your guns backwards." that's so he can shoot people sneaking up on him. Yeah, yeah. He had a terrible accident, though. The darn things went off -- he blew his buns off at the wrap party. Ooh. Fall on that, eh? Yeah. "it is winter. The windows are frosted over. "nothing can be seen "through this white patchwork of ice crystals. "the entire winter world is blocked from view. "but don't worry. You know this road like the back of your hand." well, anyway, uh, moose goes down and applies for this job as a male dancer. It was at the, uh, bamboo bam bam club. Uh, he figured he'd be teaching widows how to foxtrot. So they told him to go home and, uh, come back at 8:00 dressed up in a costume, like an indian or a policeman or one of the village people. So moose figures it's maybe some kind of like a costume ball or something. So he's looking around the lodge, and he, uh, finds an old moose decoy that we used one time to draw a moose out during mating season. That's another story. So, anyway, he gets the front half of the moose costume on, but he needs somebody to be the other, uh, half of the moose -- that's "moose" with a small "m," not a big "m." and buster hadfield says that he'd be the back end of the moose. Boy, talk about typecasting. Uncle red, uh, I just want to remind you that some of our viewers have children... And taste. And maybe they won't appreciate this ribald adventure. Well, I can't help that, harold. I can. Jack! Jack, come on up here. I know you're down there, jack. What do you want? Oh, nothing. I just thought we'd drop by, see how it's going, you know. Oh, oh! Oh, let me guess -- yeah. Western civilization has finally collapsed, and now all the smug know-it-alls who laughed at me for coming up here to live want me to take them in and give them shelter and see them through the coming dark ages. Well, uh, no. Uh, we were just on our way to the go-karts on 89, and we thought we'd just drop by, that's all. Oh. Okay. Do you need anything, jack? I have everything I need, red. I'm a survivor. Okay. I didn't just rush into this in a blind panic. Okay. I'll tell you that much. You know, I spent four weekends planning this. I even drew maps and bought heavy shoes. All right, all right. But have you got enough food? I have everything I need, okay? Oh, I know what you're saying. Forget it. Forget it. I have nothing you would like. You know what I'm saying? I grow everything I need to survive. All right. Except milk. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What -- what do you grow? Well... Mushrooms, mostly. But I've ordered some seeds, and they should be here soon. Yeah, they said to allow 6 to 8 weeks for delivery. But, uh, I'm hoping the world doesn't end before then 'cause I've ordered enough seeds to sustain a small colony through the coming dark ages. Wow, you've ordered a lot of seeds then. Oh, believe it. Yeah. I won a bicycle and a slot-car racing set. And you know what? When your currency system collapses, see, I'm gonna take those slot cars, trade them for a cow, and then I'll have fresh meat and milk. Well, all right. Well, okay, jack. If there's nothing that you need, you know... Nothing. I don't need anything. All right, all right. Oh, well... An extension cord. An extension cord. I think I got one in the truck. Uh, what's it for? Nothing. Something, but... Survival! I-I can't tell you. All right, all right. Fine, fine, fine. Just tell me this -- will you be able to give it back to us, you know, after the currency thing, uh, collapses? Sure. All right. I mean, no! Oh, darn. Jack? [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ stop the whale hunt now ♪ ♪ put your harpoons away or else ♪ ♪ stop hunting whales, that's what you should do ♪ ♪ and as soon as harold and I catch one, we'll quit, too ♪ yeah. Oh, uncle red, this is so exciting. This is great. We got something really different on the "male call" segment today. Just a little bit of a spin on it, something just a tad different. We got a letter from a kid. This could be huge. Just think about it. Wouldn't that be great? Oh, this is very exciting! Just read the letter, harold. Oh, yeah. Okay, that's what I meant. I wasn't gonna change a lot of things. Just...Huge. I'll read the letter. All righty. "dear mr. Green, I like you. You do funny things. "I like you when you hurt yourself "and when bill smith hurts himself and when your nephew harold hurts himself." [ laughs ] this is cute. Look at that. He spelled "nephew" with an "f." just one. That is cute. "I want to be just like you when I grow up. Can I have your autograph?" no, I'm sorry, harold. I'm using it. You want to be like me, eh? Well, uh, you know, it's not that easy hosting your own television show. If it was, harold here would be doing it. Boy, you got that right. But you know, harold, even if you have the right stuff, uh, as you know, you got to get your education. I mean, I use all those subjects every day -- adding, subtracting, social studies, uh, metal shop, gym. You know, because you need the letter "c" or you can't read the cue cards, and then you have to rely on your memory. I guess that's -- that's about it. Where was I? Do you know? You were talking about education. It was very exciting to see you take a stand on that, uncle red. We should also mention to our viewers about college and university. Well, I don't know about that, harold. Uh, I think college education is a drawback for being a tv star. Uh, makes you think about things. As for university, well, that's just a bunch of eggheads walking around between the trees saying things like "hence" and "therefore." oh, no, uncle red, if I might just step back a step or two, in my opinion, education is very important. We should be stressing to our viewers to go on to college, learn as much as you can. That's my opinion. Well, how can we do that, harold? I didn't go to college, and you didn't go to college. Look at us. We're self-made men. Oh, sure, blame me. [ film projector clicking ] red: This week on "adventures with bill," we're gonna deal with a problem that a lot of people have in the woods, and that is mosquitoes. Uh, they don't bother me. Mind you, I have flies on my pants. As you can see, bill has a real problem. They seem to just -- there are people like this. They just seem to go for them. Quite a few of them going for bill at this particular time. So what we're trying to do is show you some of the various ways that, uh, you can protect yourself from the mosquitoes or blackflies or gnats or pterodactyls or whatever it is that comes after you. This is taking some, uh, vinyl screening and just wrapping yourself up in a screen, like make yourself into a porch, really. [ clears throat ] this is bill's own idea. And, you know, if you wanted to give that a real good tug, you could probably start him up like a lawn mower, you know? I don't think this one is very effective. This is another -- this is a concoction made up of lemon juice and honey, I believe it is, and according to bill's grandmother, I think she said this works real well. Come on, she was covered with bee stings. And you know what we discovered, unfortunately, was it is actually attractive to the mosquitoes. Well, it could have been worse. It could have been on me. And now this is, uh, more of the unusual approach. He's made himself completely airtight, just tape and a bug jacket. But unfortunately, he has a mosquito in there with him. Now... No, it's up the arm, up the arm. No. You can't see it, of course. It's inside. It's over here now. It's in the jacket, so I don't... I thought I saw it go by his face. Oh. I got it. Now, this is the conventional method. These are the aerosol cans with the cff -- cff -- cffs in them that are punching a hole over the antarctic. Who cares, you know? Anyway, I'm gonna be using the double dose here on bill. Aah! You know, they say it's a nerve gas or something, that it can actually -- it can actually, uh...Completely destroy the human mind, uh, which I didn't realize bill was equipped with. That one looked cruel, I think, on my part. [ coughing ] aah! So, bill showed us some of the other -- these are various hand lotions. I think avon has one and so on. They work real well in the woods. Apparently, they work as well as any bug repellent. Uh, and what you do is you just hold out your hand there and just put it on there and... I don't know. I don't know how that happened, but... I guess he had it set for sprinkle or... Anyway, I managed to clean most of it off myself. "it is winter. "my skis swoosh under me, my feet thrown left and right. "I struggle to stay upright. "I'm out of control, going too fast, falling, "slipping on the edge of disaster. I hate these t-bars." all right, uh, at this point in the show, we like to have a feature where you can kind of get to know harold and the young people of today and the difference between the two. [ chuckles ] progress -- friend or foe? I don't think so. Should things be expected to get bigger every year? Think about your aunt. Oh. [ chuckles ] maybe things are okay. Maybe things should just stay the same or get a little worse. Hear me out. Okay, hear me out. Hear me out. Okay. Implying that things should get better every year says that maybe something was bad. Well, maybe it wasn't bad. Maybe it was good. Maybe it was so good that it could only get bad. That could happen, right? That could happen, sure. And I've learned to accept that. I don't think that the older generation has, though. No, I don't think that at all. And if you agree with me that that could happen, that that could happen in this lifetime, would you please phone my parents and tell them that d-minus is not technically failing a course? Please? Don't go away. We'll be right back with more features, more guests, and the spine-tingling conclusion of the story of moose thompson, dancing buff. That's short for "buffoon." if any of you have a teenager in your house, I'd like to have a word with you... Unless you're jerry lee lewis. There's only one thing that you need to remember with a teenager, and that is that every one of them needs a shower. Some of them actually need a cold shower. Some of them should be dipped in ice. You want to keep your kid clean, and you want to keep them at home. If you want to keep your kid out of trouble with the police, the dermatologist, and the obstetrician, keep them in the shower as much as you can. And make sure they're alone. We're out here on location with my good buddy dougie franklin and what has to be more truck than I ever thought possible, doug. Well, red, you got to have yourself a big truck if you're gonna be crushing cars, and, uh, you know, crushing cars, it's fulfilling. It's a fulfilling job, but you got to take it in perspective. It's only one small facet of the truly -- the truly -- balanced existence. And it should be treated as such. Well, now, this is an excellent message to the young people of today, uh, dougie. Uh, driving a monster truck is just not the be-all and end-all. No, oh, you can say that again, red. I mean, there's, uh, polishing her -- uh, polishing her up. There's, uh, adding stuff to her, like them lights up there. They didn't come stock. I put those on myself. Oh, all right. And, you know, then there's, uh... There's paying for it, too. That's a challenge. And the young folks, they need a challenge today, red. Yeah, yeah, they do. You just know so darn much about trucks. Well, you know, you take her apart so many times and put her back together, and it's only a matter of time before you figure what them extra parts is you got left over, and, of course, you got to take her all apart again. And after a while, you know all about it. That does make sense. It does make sense. Are you gonna start her up for us? I thought you were gonna say that. I was gonna say it. I'd love you to do that. There's a vibration going on here today, isn't there? It's like you're picking up on my beat. Love you, big guy. I love you, too, red. Now, look, I'm gonna start her up, and I'll just tell you, as I start her and go through the operation of her, okay? Well, that sounds great. Been looking forward to this. Doug's gonna start her up for us. All righty. We got ignition. All right, go ahead. [ engine turns over ] all right, now, red... [ engine revving ] [ speaking indistinctly ] [ engine shuts off ] well, that's about her in a nutshell, red. Really, I don't think you need to know any more to take this baby out. No. No, I don't think so. Dougie franklin, a man of few words. I think maybe I should -- I heard when she was going there -- I shut her down, I was hearing a bit of a tick. I think I'll just start her up one more time. Start her up again? You don't have to. I mean, we've had -- if you don't want to -- well, it's for my own edification. You carry on with what you're doing. [ engine sputtering ] the battery. The battery's going on me. Oh, that's too bad. There is a god. So, anyway, I just wanted to finish off about moose and buster down at the bam bam club in the moose costume. They're down there, and they come out on stage in front of about 400 revved-up women who've paid 20 bucks each, and it isn't to see costumes. The stereo's pumping away there, and the two of them are staggering around on the stage, and suddenly, uh, moose's foot catches the costume, rips a big hole in it. Wow. The women go wild, and they're trying to see why they call him "moose" with a big "m." and, golly, they're going nuts in there, and they're holding up $10 bills and yelling, "take it off," and suddenly, buster and moose realize what's going on because they were sitting in those same seats a week earlier holding up $5 bills when it was ladies' night. It suddenly struck them that this form of entertainment was tawdry and exploitive and darn profitable. Well, golly, the two of them come home from there, and they had their underwear full of money, which no bank will touch. But, anyway, it was a great time, and if my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home, and there is nothing in my underwear that wasn't there when I left this morning. So, on behalf of myself and, uh... Harold. That says it all for me -- and the rest of us up here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.